Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room