How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
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respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
When someone says you are so lazy
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.