[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
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3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that