You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?