At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.