The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
You Might Also Like
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
me after eating Cheetos
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.