Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
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Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
*skinny dips into black hole
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Its true…
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.