I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
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Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
3% human
97% stress
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…