A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
You鈥檝e got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Sorry I鈥檓 late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I鈥檓 wearing right now, apparently.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Same pineapple, same
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 馃枻
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Me: *calls child鈥檚 name*
…
Me: *calls child鈥檚 name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Officers asking me why I鈥檓 speeding like they don鈥檛 know people fast during Lent.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
i don鈥檛 know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want