From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
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they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Me :
All Day At Night
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*