[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot