Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
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Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Never forget.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle