We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
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I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice