“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
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I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.