Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
You Might Also Like
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it