I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
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hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Me checking my bank balance online.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”