LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
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I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.