Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
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cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.