Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
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I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*