*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
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Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
(Musicians.)
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier