Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
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reduce, reuse, recycle
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
my dog when i have a friend over
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
How it started: How it’s going:
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.