Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?