Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*