When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
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*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Sheep
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.