Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You Might Also Like
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
An odd boast
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???