“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Twitter is an abusement park.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.