Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
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Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.