me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
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Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Beware of fowl play.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?