Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
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if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.