5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.