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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
We’ve all been there
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace