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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I’d … I’d rather not.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.