ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
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I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW