Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
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My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.