Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
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And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
my mind
You just read my mind
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
I get distracted pretty eas
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”