I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
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Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My dress code is business-casualty.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
2023 was just a warmup
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine