WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
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rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
They’re stuck in your pants?
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.