911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
You Might Also Like
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make