There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
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MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The Compass
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.