There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
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ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.