ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
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Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
dream blunt rotation
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.