okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest