The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
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Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.