Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea