I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
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When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Venn
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
lmao
My brain is a bad influence on me
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Fiction has to make sense.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”