There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
4 pm:
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9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS