All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
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Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
Holy moly
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.