me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
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Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.