[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
sir, my pâté if you please
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
live long and prosper!
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.