According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
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The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is